We miss you Big Mac

On this day 4 years ago- I lost my dad, (well, I know where he IS…except he is dead…that is what I mean). People are often afraid to say the word DEAD when someone dies. They say ‘passed on’, ‘has left us’, ‘is no longer with us’ and of course ‘we lost him’. I however, used the phrase ‘he is dead’ or ‘my dad died’ from the moment it happened. It has helped to force the reality of what had happened to stick with me. This was important since I would often be going thru my day afterwards and it would hit me like a ton of bricks. Like all of a sudden I was hearing the news for the first time. I mean, my brain knew…but my heart hadn’t heard the news. So I would say it. ‘My dad is dead, My dad is dead’….
My dad was far too great a man to even begin to describe here. Actually I could have a novel worth of words and it would not totally convey what an awesome kind of a guy he was. He was the guy you call at 4:00 in the morning when your car breaks down and he says ‘sure I will be right there’, He was the guy who answered a resounding ‘phenomenal!’ when asked how he was doing, he was the guy who was OC to the core and loved antiquing as much as he did working on cars in the garage. He was my first love, my first laugh, and eventually his death was the first time I thought I would not be able to go on in life. But I went on…and here I am. From the moment it happened- I knew my life would forever be the ‘before’ and then the ‘after’. It is like a big black dividing line in my life.
Because people always wanna know- he died of Esophageal cancer after an 8 month fight…and I was honored to be with him till the end. I so totally wish he was here. But deep grief is the price we pay for true love. So I will always have a deep, hollow grief in my heart- because we had true love. I miss you dad. Man o man….do I miss you.

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