Sometimes a little less boob can be a good thing.

twitter-ecover-300Okay so you all have heard about Twitter ad nauseum at this point (thank you Oprah). And yet, here is another post about it. Lucky you. Actually this post was inspired after I received a email which asked rather boldly “I am following you, but you are not following me. May I ask why?”, to which I replied “Too much boob in your avatar”. And I wasn’t kidding. Since I have close to 1100 3700 people who follow me, I have developed a few personal criteria for a ‘follow-back’ and I felt it was time to document my highly scientific methods.

The reasons I will not follow you.

1. Too much boob in your photo. Or ALL BOOB in your photo. Look honey, this is not My Space. I don’t want to ‘get to know you’ in 140 character spurts. If you are showing all you got on your front window- I ain’t buy’n.

2. You have no photo at all. Really you are THAT lazy? You are signing up for a social networking thingy and you can’t be bothered to upload a photo? Thats a little ANTI-social if you ask me.

3. You have uploaded a photo of your KID. I don’t want to read the tweet of your infant ‘I just pooped. Someone come change me’….so please use a photo of YOU. Or someone I can pretend is you. That goes for company logos too. Let’s pretend this isn’t about business k?

4. You have no bio at all. You are frequently the same guy as #2. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

5. You are actually some one’s CHILD. Seriously. Some bios say “I am 15 looking for friends”. Really? Okay that is creepy and does your mom know you are on her computer?

6. Bios which include any or all of the following…(these are ACTUAL bios. I can’t make this stuff up)

  • “Are you fat? I will help you lose all the weight you want!”
  • “I tweet the best advice ever about ways to make money on the Internet”
  • “Looking for new friends after my divorce. Are you single and ready?”
  • “I talk politics 24/7. I love to argue. Bring it on! I always win. ALWAYS.”
  • “Top porn site in America! Seeking MILFs to chat with!”

While I am at it, Let me also, give you a few bios I just adore. So you know what I am looking for. I am sure you wanna know.

  • “….blogger, critter keeper, cubicle dweller.”
  • “Lover of shiny things. I may contain traces of sarcasm and strawberry hues you are welcome”
  • “Comically relevant”
  • “…always desperate for a good iced coffee.”
  • “I used to be a motivational speaker. But I sucked at it and gave up.”

(really there are SO many great bios. This was just what I found in my first few minutes of looking. I like to limit my research. Keeps it fresh)

And finally reasons I unfollow after I have seen some of your tweets;

  • You have not figured out how to unclick the CAPS button.
  • Every single frickin post is a link back to your site
  • You change your avatar to have more BOOB.
  • And the biggest most annoying reason? You ASK for more followers! This is not a competition. And what is your obsession with round numbers? Seriously if I see a tweet that says “only one more to 5000 followers!” I IMMEDIATELY UNfollow. Lookie here Sweetie. Now you only need TWO more. Not only do I unfollow that person I BLOCK them. I know they are just collecting followers and have totally missed the point of Twitter. Yes, there is a point to Twitter. I will save that for my next post on the most over-done blog topic in the universe….er, that would be TWITTER. You are welcome.

And another thing (once a post is already too long I like to really go for it)….if you need to look at a website or read a book that is titled something like “How to use Twitter” or “Top ways to learn Twitter”…you my friend, will never ever understand Twitter. So just move on. ‘Learning Twitter’ is a bit like reading a book titled “How to get a Magnetic Personality in 10 Easy Steps”…you kinda know it isn’t gonna help. You either have it-or don’t. And with Twitter- you either GET IT or you DON’T. Oh don’t give up…after all there is always Facebook.

Wanna follow me? Go ahead…  @marcymassura.

Can’t wait to read your bio and see your boobs.

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