Okay so you all have heard about Twitter ad nauseum at this point (thank you Oprah). And yet, here is another post about it. Lucky you. Actually this post was inspired after I received a email which asked rather boldly “I am following you, but you are not following me. May I ask why?”, to which I replied “Too much boob in your avatar”. And I wasn’t kidding. Since I have close to 1100 3700 people who follow me, I have developed a few personal criteria for a ‘follow-back’ and I felt it was time to document my highly scientific methods.
The reasons I will not follow you.
1. Too much boob in your photo. Or ALL BOOB in your photo. Look honey, this is not My Space. I don’t want to ‘get to know you’ in 140 character spurts. If you are showing all you got on your front window- I ain’t buy’n.
2. You have no photo at all. Really you are THAT lazy? You are signing up for a social networking thingy and you can’t be bothered to upload a photo? Thats a little ANTI-social if you ask me.
3. You have uploaded a photo of your KID. I don’t want to read the tweet of your infant ‘I just pooped. Someone come change me’….so please use a photo of YOU. Or someone I can pretend is you. That goes for company logos too. Let’s pretend this isn’t about business k?
4. You have no bio at all. You are frequently the same guy as #2. Lazy, lazy, lazy.
5. You are actually some one’s CHILD. Seriously. Some bios say “I am 15 looking for friends”. Really? Okay that is creepy and does your mom know you are on her computer?
6. Bios which include any or all of the following…(these are ACTUAL bios. I can’t make this stuff up)
- “Are you fat? I will help you lose all the weight you want!”
- “I tweet the best advice ever about ways to make money on the Internet”
- “Looking for new friends after my divorce. Are you single and ready?”
- “I talk politics 24/7. I love to argue. Bring it on! I always win. ALWAYS.”
- “Top porn site in America! Seeking MILFs to chat with!”
While I am at it, Let me also, give you a few bios I just adore. So you know what I am looking for. I am sure you wanna know.
-
“….blogger, critter keeper, cubicle dweller.”
- “Lover of shiny things. I may contain traces of sarcasm and strawberry hues you are welcome”
- “Comically relevant”
- “…always desperate for a good iced coffee.”
- “I used to be a motivational speaker. But I sucked at it and gave up.”
(really there are SO many great bios. This was just what I found in my first few minutes of looking. I like to limit my research. Keeps it fresh)
And finally reasons I unfollow after I have seen some of your tweets;
- You have not figured out how to unclick the CAPS button.
- Every single frickin post is a link back to your site
- You change your avatar to have more BOOB.
- And the biggest most annoying reason? You ASK for more followers! This is not a competition. And what is your obsession with round numbers? Seriously if I see a tweet that says “only one more to 5000 followers!” I IMMEDIATELY UNfollow. Lookie here Sweetie. Now you only need TWO more. Not only do I unfollow that person I BLOCK them. I know they are just collecting followers and have totally missed the point of Twitter. Yes, there is a point to Twitter. I will save that for my next post on the most over-done blog topic in the universe….er, that would be TWITTER. You are welcome.
And another thing (once a post is already too long I like to really go for it)….if you need to look at a website or read a book that is titled something like “How to use Twitter” or “Top ways to learn Twitter”…you my friend, will never ever understand Twitter. So just move on. ‘Learning Twitter’ is a bit like reading a book titled “How to get a Magnetic Personality in 10 Easy Steps”…you kinda know it isn’t gonna help. You either have it-or don’t. And with Twitter- you either GET IT or you DON’T. Oh don’t give up…after all there is always Facebook.
Wanna follow me? Go ahead… @marcymassura.
Can’t wait to read your bio and see your boobs.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
ROFL! Yeah, I think you pretty much summed it up.
I’ve never gotten a DM asking me to follow someone, but it would definitely ensure that I don’t follow them. It’s like dating, you can’t seem that desperate or it’s a turn-off.
Great post.
PS) Are you following me?
I crack myself up.
I think i’ll change my bio to read:
I used to be a server admin, but I was really good and paid well so I quit.
Or something stupid like that
For reasons I am WELL-acquainted with, my personal opinion is that there’s no such thing as too much BOOB.
You can unfollow me if you need to.
(But please don’t.)
Don’t have a pic in the avatar. just the little neon thing, 1 strike against me. Liked you post.
Just another reason I’m your stalker!
Here’s a bio I fell in love with right away, from @firstdogonmoon:
“Total legend and Bandicoot wrangler. Cartoons at crikey.com.au where he is ever so funny. Oh, how we laughed.”
His Tweets confuse me, however, and are never as funny as his bio, or his hysterically funny blog. But still it reminds me to go SEE his blog once in a while, so still worth it.
I dunno, Miss Glam — I don’t have the boobage but if I did? maybe I’d flaunt it. Have you considered it? Might get some zeros on the followers . . . ;)
My big pet peeve is when I look at someone’s profile and it is nothing but @responses. It makes me feel used, and not in a good way.
So many rules…I never knew.
Took me 6 months to figure out how to put a picture on my Facebook, whoe knows what next year will bring – maybe even Twitter.
Nahhhh!
Nobody cares what I’m doing every minute of the day. I DON’T CARE what I’m doing every minute of the day!:))
I’m afraid that I’m with Soliloguy on the booby issue. There might be a time or place where too much booby is wrong, but I sure can’t think of it! But then, I’m a guy.
Haha! Love it. I unfollow those who ask for more followers too. Hate that. With a burning passion.
A little boob-age never hurt anyone. But I think it’s kinda out of place on Twitter. Like you said…it’s not Myspace. I did find the secret to getting male actors, musicians and a few male authors to reply to Tweets — must have item #1 in your photo. Which I do not. Which explains why they don’t reply to me. Haha!
You could have just DM’ed me to tell me you didn’t like my boobs. But nooooooo you had to go and make it all public, huh? ;)
You forgot to the add if your Twitter name is a girl’s first name and then a year…that’s my new favorite one like Debbie1985…
So true. I think alot of us think these things but to see it on paper really hits home. I followed one person who all they did was submit tinyurls to their website — that was a shortlived follow :)
I love you! This is so funny!
I don’t do Twitter yet, but I think I “get it” without even doing it. What I didn’t know before now, was that you get followers! I want followers (but I won’t ask). Now I’m gonna go twitter and get me some followers. Woohoo!
The other HUGE pet peeve is the automatic DM that is incredibly generic and links to an incredibly generic blog that incredibly generically promotes something. Oh, and the one I found yesterday. He is tweeting three consecutive messages (incredibly they are generic!) at 9:15 am, 2:17 pm and 5:54 pm everyday for the last…whatever I got bored looking at it.
This is incredibly genius by the way.
Oh dear Gawd THAT was awesome. And I just realized I don’t follow you on twitter. My bad. Now I am.
Thanks for the laugh this morning!
I’m totally going to follow you now. This was the best post I’ve read all day. (Even though it also happened to be the first thing I read today ;))
Ha! Very witty and very true :)
This is my first time here and I’m clicking the subscribe button.
You can thank Twitter for sending me over!
Marcy –
Awesome blog.
Twitter is great, but would be better without all the spamsters.
Marcy, you are something else. I love – LOVE – your spunky attitude and no kidding, I can’t help but agree with everything here. If someone asked me kindly to follow them and gave me a reason, I would. But I do not make a point of following everyone who follows me – but I do respond to every @ mention and make sure to acknowledge every one who communicates with me and I do it out of pleasure, not obligation.
And I am following you but you’d better only follow me back if you find me fabulous and interesting ;)!
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