2013: Uncomfortable

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I don’t do resolutions. Well I mean I do- but not at New Years. I resolve to do things all year long. Weekly, monthly. I am a work in progress.

But there is this thing, that probably has its origins with some self-help guru, about picking one word each year and making that your ‘goal’. Or your area of focus. Or something like that….basically is ONE word you are going to try and MASTER.

Last year my word was BRAVE. And I have no intention of letting that sucker go. It served me very well. I was braver in my career, braver in my social interactions (I have to work hard at those) and in general much more fierce in my approach to life. But I have a long way to go yet, so I want to keep BRAVE close to me. However this year I am adding another word; uncomfortable.

It’s not a very pleasant word. In fact it seems like nothing to strive for at all right? Well that was what I thought too….until someone who for lack of a better word ‘coaches’ me in my career (because that is her actual title too) kept pointing out to me how much I hate to be UNCOMFORTABLE. How I have a passion for things being completed, settled and resolved. She allowed me to see how much I loathe the feeling of ‘in between’ in my work, relationships and my career. And so one day she challenged me to ‘learn to be comfortable with uncomfortable’.

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Naturally, I rolled my eyes and thought she was nuts. Because her accurate assessment made me UNCOMFORTABLE.

But it is a theme that keeps coming up over and over. I see it clearly now…when I can’t tell if a co-worker loves me or hates me, when a project is not revered as the best thing ever but also no criticism is given. When I am neither totally organized nor a complete mess and on and on and on. All of those are UNCOMFORTABLE. They are that middle place. The point where I feel undefined, unclear and yes, uncomfortable. And here is where it becomes a problem for me…. That uncomfortable feeling makes me panic a little. Which clouds my judgment and actions. I do stupid things when I am uncomfortable. I try too hard when I am uncomfortable. And ironically I often end up making others feel…(wait for it)…..UNCOMFORTABLE.

I like clear. I like clean. I like obvious…..and I don’t like UNCOMFORTABLE*. At all.

Which is why 2013 is the year I make peace with being uncomfortable. With not being perfect. With not being defined. With not really knowing where I stand on everything, every minute of the day. So I can redirect that ‘panic ’ energy into something more productive. And hopefully learn to be a little nicer to myself as well.

So tell me…..what’s your word?


*You should know: this whole post is making me super uncomfortable. But I am publishing it. Be kind.

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